I put a wager on uncertainty

So I haven't posted in awhile. Mostly because nothing has happened to me, or at least nothing good to report on. I'm feeling very lost in life, and I don't know how to get back on track, or what track I should be on even.

I applied to three Disney internships down here, as you know. I have heard nothing. Not a call, not an e-mail, not a rejection, not an interview. Nothing. So, naturally, I was getting really antsy and curious. So a couple weeks ago (two I think), I finally called prof. internship recruiting. The guy there told me to hang in there, that my dept. was still in the process of sifting through everything. I would hear by Thanksgiving, yes or no. If they need more time, they'll also let me know. Since then, I have still heard nothing. So, now, more than ever, I believe I didn't get one. Thanksgiving is in two days. I'm pretty sure they aren't going to interview me and hire me in two days. So that's that.

I'm really pissed off about the whole scenario actually. I came down here for that purpose--to get a prof. internship after this whole College Program is over. I have a Bachelor's degree from a great school, I've had tons of professional experience, and I'm taking tickets at a kiddie park. Something isn't right with this picture. I was happy to do it thinking that I was paying my dues, that it was just the first stepping stone in my ladder of success here at Disney. But all this has turned out to be is doing a job I hate everyday for a wage that I'm pretty sure is less than the legal minimum wage. It's hard for me to be magical everyday knowing how I've been screwed down here. It's not like I think I'm better than anyone else down here, like I deserve a chance more than everyone else, but I don't think that I'm less than anyone here. I mean, seriously, they couldn't find a place for me ANYWHERE? It just hurts I guess.

To make matters worse, I've started applying for jobs outside of Disney, and started getting rejected from those jobs too (or not hearing back from them either). I feel exactly where I did a year ago. A girl can only take so much rejection before it starts to break her down. Sometimes, I just sit and stare at my resume, trying to figure out what's wrong with it. What I didn't do, what I should have done. But honestly, I just can't figure out what the problem is. I don't understand what they are looking for. You need experience for all these jobs out there, but no one will hire me so I can get that experience to get hired. It's a catch-22 (at least, I think that's what a catch-22 is). I'm just so frustrated and at my breaking point with the whole thing.

At least my parents are being great about it. They know the economy is rough, and they know it's going to be hard for me to get a job out there because so many companies are downsizing. I just feel so embarrassed. Five years ago, I did not picture myself here. I never wanted to be someone who graduates, is unemployed and has to move back in with their parents. I've been independent for 4 1/2 years, I don't want to go back to living under my parents roof. Even though I miss home so much it hurts, I don't know how living there again is going to work. How long will they put up with me not having a job, and when will their understand turn to doubt about whether I'm really trying hard enough.

I'm just so anxious about life right now. And I don't know how to get it back on track.

I feel like everyday is a battle here. Some days are great, and some really suck. I know that's how like normally is, but it's usually like the school parts are what sucks. Here it's like, "wow I do have friends and have a great time" and the next day I'm feeling completely alone and disappointed. I feel so bipolar down here. I feel like I have friends, but none are that close. Maybe my roomie or my friend Brian. But then things happen that make me feel like they aren't. I guess there's no way they could be as close as all the people I've known for four years in Madison, and up to 21 years in Sleepy Hollow. But I just want to feel like I've made a home for myself down here. Otherwise, why would I want to stay in January? Is a job at Disney really worth being miserable for another 6 months after this? When and how do you know if something is the right fit for you? When is it considered that you didn't try hard enough and you're giving up and when is it considered that you tried and it just didn't work? Is this just how it is for grads? Starting a new life that isn't like college and can never be like it?

My mom and sister are coming next week Thursday. I'm too excited for words right now. I miss home everyday and I'm hoping they'll have some insight about what I should do with my life. Although I know my mom's not going to tell me what to do, maybe she'll tell me everything will be ok.

What sucks is that in January, everyone I've met here is leaving. I'll be starting all over again AGAIN. Moving again, new roomies (maybe), new job, new co-workers, new friends. Ugh. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

So Brian and I are best friends. We're not going out. And I don't think he likes me. I don't like him. He's the Will to my Grace, except he's not gay. I kind of like it. I've never had that kind of friendship with a guy before. We hang out all the time, and it's like I'm hanging out with one of my best girl friends. And I think I'm starting to make more friends with co-workers. So that's good. Like, I've given out my number to more people, resulting in more phone calls and invites. It's still not up to Madison standards, but I'm trying to pull a Tim Gunn and make it work. I signed up for a voluntEAR event on Monday to meet more people and hang out with ones I already know. Should be fun.

On another note, I have a huge crush on my manager, Caleb. He's only a year or so older than me, and he's an adorable redhead. He's been helping me a lot with my quest for an internship, and I pretty much fall for any guy who does really thoughtful things for me. I know it's his job, but he's too cute. Bad new bears.

What else...internship apps are due Friday. Ahhh! Scary. I'm not ready for my Disney future to be decided. I'd rather keep up the hopes that I'll stay here. I'm afraid to apply because then you put yourself out there to get rejected. I'm paranoid that my resume and cover letter aren't good enough, but I'll never be sure they're good enough. So I just have to bite the bullet and apply instead of procrastinating the inevitable. Same fears as senior year. How did I get back here?

Also, I was losing weight when I first got down here. I think it was the new schedule at work, I'm standing all day and burning more calories. Now I know how many snacks to bring and stuff, and I've been eating shitty foods at the parks because I just want to try everything. So now, I'm gaining weight back. Not good. So, I went for a "jog" today and tried to eat healthier snacks and stuff. I got so skinny senior year of high school and had such control, so I'm gonna try to get back into that mindset. I'm in Florida! I need to be swimsuit ready all the time. It's about time I get back on track.

I've started my Ireland/England scrapbook. Long time, no scrapbook, I know. But I was waiting on my sis to develop the pics off her camera. I finally got them, so now I'm starting to organize. I have all the materials, and now I just need to be productive when I'm not working. I want to finish is by Christmas so I can surprise my family with it as a present since I can't be home for the holidays. I think they'd like it.

Anyway, that's all that's going on in the wonderful world of Disney. I'm just trying to keep busy tonight so I don't think about our major loss to Michigan today. If I go missing, I've probably slit my wrists. Ann Arbor is a whore.

So, hopefully y'all have been reading my Disney blog (http://wdwheather.blogspot.com) and know what's up with all that. Work's good, but tiring. Don't have too many friends, but the ones I have are nice. One of them is Brian. We had the same training schedule as Park Greeters in Epcot, so we spent a lot of time together in the first week. We also live in the same apt complexes. I give him rides home. He's younger, and I thought he was gay at first. Now I think he's straight. We've hung out a few times, but nothing has happened, not that I thought it would. Today we went for lunch in Japan, and he paid for it. So that confused me. He's hasn't put any moves on me, or hinted at that, so I don't know. Maybe he was just being a nice guy and paying for lunch. He's only 19, so I feel really old next to him. And I think he would think I was really old. I graduated already. I'm an old maid now, haha. So I don't think he likes me, but I'm just confused now.

That's all. Just thinking out loud.

For strictly Disney related stuff, I'll be blogging on http://wdwheather.blogspot.com

If anything else random happens to me, like parties or trips and vacations, or, gasp, I meet a boy, that will all still go on here.

So check out my first couple of posts on my new blog, and hope to hear from you all, even though I'm far away!

I'm getting worse and worse at posting...it's been a month! I guess I feel like a bum this summer, and that nothing noteworthy happens, but a months worth of stuff is too much to tackle at once. Oh well, here goes:

First of all, Ireland and England--AMAZING! I knew I already liked Dublin, but being able to drive around the country and see other cities was unforgettable. The driving alone was an experience; my dad rented a car and I was his co-captain for the entire trip. Let me tell you, then roads in Ireland are nothing compared to here. They are narrow, bumpy, hilly, and they all have a stone wall less than six inches from the side of the road--no shoulder. So we're whizzing by trucks on our right side (it was weird being on the wrong side of the road, haha) and a stone wall on my left side inches from the car, and me. But once we got the hang of it and changed a flat tire, it was pretty cool. Let's see, some of my faves from Ireland: Irish breakfast, Guiness Storehouse (second time on that for me), Jameson Distillery, musical pub crawl, Waterford Crystal Factory, Cork's English Market, Kinsale (a tiny harbor town known for it's food), the Cliffs of Moher (breathtaking views), our Country House Hotel in Killarney (so fancy and our room was huge!), and Galway (a college town, but really pretty and nice shops). Then my sister left us, and it was just me and my parents for London.

Our welcoming in London was less than enthusiastic. One of my bags didn't show up at baggage claim, and we asked an attendant about it. He said to wait a little while longer. So we did. Then five minutes later he asked what my bag looked like, and said, "Oh yeah, I think we have that one. It arrived before you." Cool, but why couldn't you tell me that in the first place. Whatever, I have my bags. So then we went to arrivals where we were supposed to have someone waiting for us to give us a ride to our hotel. Well, no one was there with a sign with our names. We waited and waited. Then we waited some more. Then my mom called the number on our voucher given to us by our travel agent. Apparently that company was bought out in November (we booked our trip in February...) and we were now to find a counter at arrivals and catch it there. Fine. So we find the counter and wait another eternity to finally get on the bus. It was a really small coach with about three families including us. But then, of course, a lone guy gets on and sits next to my dad across from us and says, "Man, it's so weird saying thank you in English." I knew we were screwed. This younger guy was "that guy". Everyone knows "that guy": he talks just to hear himself talk, tries to impress everyone, and says things to which no one really knows how to respond. The ride was awful. He kept telling us about how he just got back from India and China, and he was trying to impress us by how foreign it all was. I, meanwhile, pretended to be carsick and looked out the window. He asked what my dad did for a living, and my dad made the mistake of telling him about his racing business. From that point on "that guy" was all of a sudden a car fanatic, and pointed out every fast car that went by. Astin Martin. Ferrari. (Shut up!) The ride seemed to take forever, and of course his stop was last, and ours second to last. Finally we arrived at the hotel, and I thought our problems would end there. But no, we happened to be booked at the most incompetent hotel in the outskirts of Chelsea. We got checked in, and then discovered that a standard triple meant a double bed and a pull-out couch. Great. I had to sleep on a pull-out couch. Fine, I'll deal. So then we want dinner, and since our hotel was in the middle of nowhere, we ate at the restaurant in the hotel. There were maybe two tables full, but for some reason, they couldn't seat us right away. All the tables were reserved for later. Fine, we'll go to the bar and eat, where they have a different menu. But the host said to wait five minutes and they would make a table up for us. We finally got seated, and got the worst waiter I've ever experienced. The kid took my order, took my mom's order, then asked us if we wanted starters, and when we said no, he had to go back around and get my and my mom's order again. What the hell was he writing the first time? Needless to say, all these people worked the entire week as waiters, bartenders, hosts, and they probably changed our towels in our rooms too. Oh, and when we left the restaurant, the tables were all still empty, so who the hell knows when they were reserved for. The rest of the week was just as incompetent. We aimed to stay away from eating at the hotel (or doing anything there).

So, our first day was less than satisfactory, but it did pick up from there. Some of my faves from London (but definitely not everything we saw): Shakespeare's Globe performance of Midsummer Night's Dream, Tower Bride, Tower of London, mastering the underground, Windsor Castle, the Royal Mews (where they have the royal horses and fancy carriages), Stonehenge, Platform 9 and 3/4 (hehe), Stratford-upon-Avon, afternoon tea, and watching Wimbledon on TV in the same time zone and city while it's actually happening. I like seeing all the sites, but I wouldn't go back to London by choice. It's too big and I didn't feel like I could ever fit in. Ireland is much more my flavor.

Anyway, we got back in the States around 7:30. I ate a hot dog and immediately went to bed and slept a good 12 hours.

Now I just have to tackle scrapbooking! Christ. I don't have much time left before Disney, but I better start soon before I forget everything.

Geez, I haven't updated in awhile. So let's see what's happened since graduation...

Not a whole lot in May. Which was fine. I had some stuff to take care of, like shopping for Ireland and such. Either way, not much happened in May.

In the last week though, I went home for Anna's 21st birthday. THAT was so much fun. On her actual b-day, we had pizza and cake and champagne at her house, and then went out to the Riverboat Casino for the evening. It was me, Anna, her bf, her friend Emily, her brother Mark and his friend Damien. We had a couple drinks, I lost 10 bucks at the nickel slots, and we went home. But then Friday we went bar hopping in downtown Dundee. We went to River Lee's first (same crowd, minus her friend Emily), and guess who I randomly say there: Andy Rupnick! We had been trying to get together for awhile, so it's funny that I actually saw him without any planning whatsoever. And, he knew Mark from boy scouts, so that was bizarre. Anyway, so we downed a couple pitchers and had a shot and left for Bandito's. It was soooo packed. And filled with people from Crown that I wished I never had to see again. I dealt with it, but whatever, I look way better now than I did in high school, so it's ok, haha. It was also nice to actually hang out with Anna's brother. We're not 5 years old anymore, so we actually all get along and can hang out like adults. I think that's an upside to being old, you can meet new people without the stupid crap there was when we were younger.

So then I hung out at home for a week longer than planned, and I loved it. I saw SATC with Melissa, and hung out with my parents. I can't wait to go back home for 4th of July. It's one of my favorite holidays, and I haven't been able to be home the past couple years for it. And I'm 21 now and don't have to worry about going home drunk, lol.

Anyway,I got all my shit ready for Ireland and England, and I'm so psyched for my TWO WEEK trip with my family. I know there won't be many more family vacations, so I'm going to relish every minute we're all together.

I'm all packed, and ready to go. But I still have to wait 3 more days! So I'm going to the Terrace tonight to see Droho (from the Profits...surprise, surprise) and just take it easy and go to bed early.

I love summer.

Alright, so, I'm graduated. And I only got teary-eyed once during the ceremony. Yay me!

It's been awhile since I posted. My last post was pretty dark. I was cranky, and in denial about graduation. Actually, I think I still am. It doesn't feel real yet. It also doesn't feel like Tuesday. I'm not in class, and that's weird. I'll just have to get into summer mode. Anyway, like I said, my last post was negative. Since then though, the College Program campus reps invited us kids to Ian's for pizza to answer any questions we have about the program. So, I'm feeling much better about it all. Some of the unknowns are now known, even though there are some things I just won't find out until I move. Like, who my roommates are, and what my exact roles will be as hopper. But most of my other questions were answered, and they got me really pumped again to be doing this. I suppose that's their job, huh? Either way, I'm back to being excited again.

Then it was finals week. I studied all weekend, and wrote a research paper. On Tues, I took my international biz final and turned in my paper. I felt like I should be done, but no, I had to study for my art history final on Fri. Ugh. All my friends would be done by Wed, so I was stuck in the apt alone for a few days, making flashcards and hating my life. So Fri rolls around, I was totally ready to take my final, breezed through it and then went home to start preparing for the weekend.

All I wanted was a nap, but I had to start cleaning. Then we got to experience Ella's Deli with A-L, and then got right back to cleaning. Then, we decided to do mani/pedis, and went out to a track party. We ended up getting a lot drunker than planned (I blame the tequila shots and winning too many games of beer pong).

So Saturday was a little rough getting up, but I pulled it together to go pick my sister up from the airport. Once the sis was in my care, we went to Stadium to have a drink (non-booze, cause I needed caffeine) and catch up. Then we went out for steak with the Lewis family, which was really fun. We finished off the night on University, had just a couple drinks and then went home to rest up for Graduation.

Got up really early on Sunday, and got ready. My sister did my hair, and then I ran to Natasha's graduation in the morning. Then I met up with my parents and grandparents at the Doubletree, had a light lunch, but was too nervous to really eat anything. Then it was go time. We put my cap and gown on, and made our way to the Kohl Center. Bobby saved me a seat and Tricia came later. Journalism was the first group up on stage, so that was nice. But, the name reader wasn't very good, because they rushed us walking across the stage, and the woman wasn't paying attention at all to it, and my name was called after I got my diploma, so it didn't match up on the big screen. Oh well. I think they at least said my name right. Then we got to just relax while all the other sections got their diplomas. Afterward, we all went to the Terrace for pictures. We then had to go get ready and meet my family and the Lewis's at Essen Haus for dinner. Delicious, but we were all really exhausted, and couldn't believe we had to host a bar crawl in a couple hours. But we rallied somehow, and went out. It was so much fun, and I tried a bunch of new shots I had never had before. We made it to 7 bars, (both KKs were closed, poop) which I think was pretty impressive. So thanks to everyone who showed up, or who we met along the way. I had a blast!

Yesterday, we got up and went to breakfast with my family to say goodbye, and I took my sister to the airport. I was sad she couldn't stay longer, but she couldn't take off any more work, considering the Ireland trip is a week for her already. Then I just lounged in bed all day, watching TV online, and took a nap. I was dead tired, so I went to bed early too.

And now it's Tuesday. No school. No job. No schedule. And it just might be the perfect way to spend my last summer ever. I get to spend time in Madison, go home whenever I want, visit my sister in Indy again, prep for Disney, go on road trips. Anything I want. And I get to postpone saying goodbye to Madison. I'm definitely not ready for that. I don't think I'll ever be, but once I'm ready to start the Disney chapter of my life, I'll be more able to come to terms with leaving. And, that's only after I can hang out with everyone as much as possible this summer. I need to see everyone enough to get my fill while I'm away. So I better see you this summer. At our parties, chillin on the Terrace, or meeting for coffee or dinner. This is the last summer. Let's make it the best summer.

So after a wonderful dinner with my two Emilys, I have come to the realization that I'm actually quite terrified of moving to Orlando in August. I've been masking my anxiety with sheer excitement: I get to work at Disney World, party at Pleasure Island, be in summer weather in the winter time, sit at the pool when I'm not working, yee-haw! But when talking about the program today, I noticed I started saying more negative things than I have before. Like the fact that I don't know what or where I'm actually working as a hopper, I don't know how many or who my roomies are, I won't know anyone, will be the longest time and farthest away I've been from home, I don't even get holidays off, the pay sucks, and I am really worried that working at WDW will actually ruin it for me, and I'll never want to go back. Or, my favorite, I might not get an internship or full-time position in January, and I will have wasted a summer and winter that could have been spent looking for/working a full-time position at a PR agency or something.
It's not like I don't think I can do it. I did it freshman year, I know I can make friends and all that jazz again. It's just all the unknowns that get to me. Emily Mitchell said that it's good because unknowns build character. Well, I must have one built character right now.
Graduation is two weeks away, and it's hitting me really hard right about now. Natasha's excited; I'm less than enthusiastic. I'm dreading it, actually. I'll be a wreck, and look like an idiot. Frankly, these four years have been the best of my life. College is such a joke though, if you think about it. You are forced to move away from home and meet new people. You have to make a new home and family for yourself to survive, but then forced to give it all up after four years. How does that make sense? It's cruel. Why don't they just make college another part after high school. Dundee-Crown University. What's the point in four years of a new home? You just have to leave it, or have everyone else leave you if you decide to stay. It's crap. Total crap. Whoever thought college up is an asshole.
Can I stop time? Pretty please?

This weekend was kind of a rollercoaster. Good and really bad.

Friday night was going out to Essen Haus for Colin's b-day. I went to the Great Dane for a 10K banquet beforehand, which was really fun. I'm glad I joined the group this year because I met some cool people and volunteered a bunch, which is something I used to do a lot of, and have recently done none of. Anyway, so after Great Dane I hung at Paul's Club for a little while until the guys got to Essen Haus. So I met up with them, boots were shared by all, and it was really fun. I got to talk to Colin a bit, but it's really loud there, so not as much as I would have liked to. Around midnight Colin, Paul and I left to go home. I went back to their place for a-bar, which turned out to be video games (haha) but Paul was in his room talking online, so it was just me and Colin in the living room. We ended up talking for a while about a bunch of stuff. He showed me pics on his iTouch of his trip to Spain over break, and it was just really nice. So, before I think I was just physically attracted to him, but now I think I really do like him. A lot. And then we ended up both passing out on opposite ends of the couch, and there was no spooning or anything, unfortunately, and I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back out, he had woken up and gone to his bed. So that was disappointing. But still, I think our talking was good.

Then last night Colin had a food/sangria party at their place. So I got all dressed up and cute and went to that with Natasha. We hung out there for awhile, and then Natasha went to a track party. So I was just chilling with Paul and Colin. Playing beer pong, whatever. It was fun. Then, some really crappy stuff happened between two of my best friends, and I don't really think I should talk about it, since it's not really my business to be talking about. All I can say, is people were upset, I was in the middle, and I thought the rest of my year was going to get really complicated. But I think everything's ok now. I hope everything's ok. Anyway, so kind of when things were just about to get bad, Colin got me water, and he was talking to me to make sure I was ok. He was like, you're always welcome here, which is nice because I never thought we were that close, but he was being really amazing. Then, when shit was really gonna go down, Colin was like, "Well I'm going to go to my room. If you need a break, you know where I'll be." Which I pretty much saw as an invitation, and I really wanted to, but the bad stuff started happening, and I left to go sit in Paul's room and cry, and by the time everything quieted down, it was 4 and I didn't know if Colin would still be awake. So I slept on the couch. Again. But, I think I made some giant steps with him. Then only thing that sucks is that I really like him, I think he likes me, and he will be in Rockford all summer for a job. So I'm debating whether or not to even try to get with him with less than a month left. I tried the whole "just have fun" thing with Dan, and I got attached, and then I got hurt. Who knows. Maybe he doesn't even like me. But I think he'd be interested in the idea of me being interested, if that makes sense.

So all in all, last night was awful, with peaks here and there with Colin. He's so adorable and sweet. And I think things are more or less resolved with my friends, and I hope they are because it was really hard on me. I know it's selfish because it's not about me, but I would be really hurt if things ended the was it looked like they were going to.

Spring fever is hitting hard I guess. I've been waiting for spring for so long, now I'm not so sure it's gonna bring great things.